Wherein We Finally Attempt to Comprehend The Jonas Brothers [Defamer Answers]
Wherein We Finally Attempt to Comprehend The Jonas Brothers [Defamer Answers]
Look, we’re old. Not “old” old, but more like “the Olympics were so much better in Los Angeles” old. And definitely not “Beatlemania” old, but old enough to wonder if the Jonas Brothers phenomenon is anything like what we’ve heard about Beatlemania. We honestly don’t know — before today we’d never listened to a Jonas Brothers song, we’ve never seen them perform, we don’t even know which is which, only that the moppiest-headed one occasionally receives photos of Miley Cyrus eating her skivvies.
But this week’s seismic release of the new Jonas Brothers album A Little Bit Longer — and the ensuing tear-streaked, hair-gnawing tween bedlam (best evinced by the accompanying snapshot from the group’s recent TRL appearance) — has us taking the Jonases’ impact much more seriously. After all, today’s young pop heroes are tomorrow’s clinically wasted reality TV icons; on that basis alone their soaring stars deserve a closer look and deeper understanding — or at least a handy Defamer fact sheet for your water-cooler convenience. Everything you need to know is after the jump.
I. KNOW YOUR JONASES
(Then there’s “bonus Jonas” Frankie (a/k/a “Frank the Tank”), who, at 7 years old, is too young for non-Chosen Blob editorial consideration at Defamer.)
Legend has it Nick was discovered singing at a New Jersey barbershop around the time of his last haircut at age 6. Broadway followed for him and Joe; Nick was signed to Columbia shortly thereafter, at which time they were conveniently bundled for their 2006 debut It’s About Time.
II. KNOW THEIR CANON
This week’s A Little Bit Longer is the Jonas Brothers’ third full-length album and their first to revive a discarded Spinal Tap title. Their preceding albums — It’s About Time (2006) and The Jonas Brothers (2007) — each broke the Billboard Top 100, with the latter album peaking at #5. The new one is expected to debut at #1. The brothers have made their biggest impact in the cutthroat genre of Abbreviated Gerund Rock, with the hits “Burnin’ Up” and “Pushin’ Me Away” each receiving unprecedented download action at iTunes.
Their film and TV work is equally impressive, with their guest-starring breakthrough in Cyrus’s Best of Both Worlds concert film opening the door for their monumental musical Camp Rock — the soundtrack to which was another smash. The movies cemented them alongside Cyrus among the Disney Channel’s most influential draws. (Nick and Miley’s eventual romance was its own drama, but we’ll get to that.) A Camp Rock sequel is forthcoming, as are a reality show and concert film based on their current, sold-out, hormonally corrosive concert tour.
III. KNOW THEIR ACCOLADES
The Jonases won six Teen Choice Awards in 2007, including “Choice Summer Song” for “Burnin’ Up” and a three-way tie for “Choice Hottie.” Critics are falling in line as well, with Rolling Stone offering A Little Bit Longer four stars and esteemed MySpace critic IHeartDjDanger persuasively adding:
“THE WHOLE CD IS AMAZING THOUGH!! after I listened to it, I was like “NOW I’M SPEECHLESS OVER THE EDGE I’M JUST BREATHELESS!” AHH, i ALSO LOVE sHELF!! oooh, and I love the second verse of can’t have you sooooooooo much!!! it is so awesome when you repeat the lines all eachoey!!
IV. KNOW THEIR STYLE
Upmarket, overproduced boy-pop cheese, with lots of collars, blazers, denim, ties, fruity scarves, hair products, pitchy vocals and derivative culture riffs, a potent mash perhaps best depicted in this excerpt of their video for “Burnin’ Up”:
V. KNOW THEIR LOVE LIVES
Love lives? What love lives? The super-wholesome Jonas Brothers, evangelical sons of an ex-pastor, wear purity rings and have vowed abstinence until marriage. Nevertheless, Nick is very publicly the poster child for Disney Channel incest, having had successive relationships with Cyrus and now (allegedly!) Selena Gomez. OMG they are so cuuuuute! Alas, Miley begs to differ. Meanwhile, Joe has been linked to country singer Taylor Swift, with one gossip blogger saying the two retreated to his hotel room last night for Joe’s birthday. Ewww gross. Kevin is unofficially connected to slightly downmarket actress/model/vocalist Zoe Myers.
You, too, can date a Jonas by following a few easy steps enumerated by the brothers this week in the estrogen maelstrom that was TRL:
VI. KNOW THEIR EMPIRE
The Jonases reportedly earned a measly $12 million in 2007 — a number certain to spike by the end of 2008 after another ongoing, sold-out tour. They recently closed on a $2.8 million mansion in a gated enclave outside Dallas, with each brother’s wardrobe getting its own bedroom and where the boys are safer than ever from temptations such as girls, drugs and actual rock music.
VII. KNOW YOUR FUN FACTS
· Nick Jonas is a Type-1 diabetic.
· Ali Lohan chose an East Hampton, N.Y., Jonas Bros. concert last weekend to unveil her fantastic new breasts.
· Joe Jonas is literally known to prize his hair above all other worldly possessions.
· Kevin Jonas’s favorite food is sushi.
· Nick claims to have written the brothers’ hit “S.O.S.” in 10 minutes.
· At any given time, as many as 20 people at once are watching “Burnin’ Up” on YouTube.
· Their bodyguard Big Rob keeps a blog of his Jonas-protecting exploits and is the guest rapper heard on “Burnin’ Up.”
Again, we’re new to this, so please help us help you by filling in any noteworthy blanks below. The world needs to know.
Even Felicity Huffman Has Gotten Into Madonna’s Underwear [William H. Mercy]
Though a lot of people have known Madonna intimately, few may have gotten as close to her as Desperate Housewives star Felicity Huffman. Picked to take over the pop superstar’s acting role in the 1998 David Mamet play Speed-the-Plow, Huffman decided to inhabit Madonna’s leftovers in a very unorthodox way. Says People:
When Desperate Housewives’ Felicity Huffman made her Broadway debut in David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow in 1988, she made an interesting discovery in her dressing room: A thong belonging to Madonna.
“I was like, ‘This is Madonna’s underwear,” she tells More Magazine in its September issue.
So what did she do? She promptly tried it on! “Of course, it didn’t fit me,” she says.
While that had to have been a difficult realization for Huffman, we think she dodged a big, brown bullet. Word to the wise, Felicity: don’t go putting on Madonna’s old clothes — especially the Dita outfit.
[Photo Credit: AP]
Fox News Blames Daniel Radcliffe’s Magic Wand for ‘Harry Potter’ Delay [Horsing Around]
Won’t anybody listen to the “content kings” over at Warner Bros.? Despite the fact that they actually have plausible reasons for bumping Harry Potter to next year — i.e the writers’ strike had left them with a summer 2009 slate that lacked a single tentpole release besides Terminator: Salvation — tongues are clucking that there simply must be ulterior motives at play. The latest to toss out a conspiracy theory is daffy Fox News columnist Roger Friedman, who puts the blame squarely on Daniel Radcliffe’s barely legal shoulders:
The real story? Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe will be right in the middle of his sensational, highly publicized run on Broadway in the play, “Equus.” Radcliffe appears naked in the play, on stage, and has sex in it as well. That’s not the image Warner Bros. wants associated with bespectacled Harry, who remains chaste and virginal.
Indeed, posters for Equus are up all over New York, of Radcliffe’s naked torso superimposed on a horse’s head. This is not the sort of thing that’s taught at Hogwarts. For the movie to open on Nov. 21, Radcliffe would have to do publicity entailing answering questions about blinding horses and having sex with them vs. flying around and making potions.
There’s just one thing, Rog: this whole Equus brouhaha? Warner Bros. has already been through it. When Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix came out last summer, it was right on the heels of Radcliffe’s first (underage!) Equus run in London, where the production began. By now, the nudity is old hat — in fact, reports are circulating that Radcliffe’s Broadway run isn’t causing as big a fuss as promoters had hoped. Forgive us, but for once we’re going to believe the official line from the studio heads; after all, we can think of another dark installment in a long-running franchise that did gangbusters business in its mid-July release date this year…
- Harry Potter Scared by Horse [Fox News]
Mike Myers Extends Comedy Hiatus, Joins ‘Inglorious Bastards’ Cast [War Stories]
Overbearing hype aside, Inglorious Bastards really wouldn’t be a Quentin Tarantino film unless he revived at least one moribund career in the process. Enter Mike Myers, who is now confirmed to play British Gen. Ed Fenech, “a military mastermind who takes part in hatching a plot to wipe out Nazi leaders.” It’s a relatively small part, we’re now told, with Fenech featured on only seven pages — 29 lines total — recruiting a Nazi killer reportedly tailored for Simon Pegg, who has yet to be officially attached.
Myers joins an ensemble that already includes Brad Pitt, Eli Roth and B.J. Novak, nudging the project ever closer to the unmarketable territory where Tarantino and Harvey Weinstein seem to flourish together. Moreover, we didn’t expect Myers to do another non-comedy so soon after The Love Guru; that Halloween remake we pegged him for was something we presumed was at least a few years off, or at least well after Austin Powers 4. But when even Deepak Chopra is hating on you, some gambles are just more necessary than others. Good luck, Mike!
- Mike Myers enlists in ‘Bastards’ [Variety]
Michael Scott to Crack Awkward Racial Joke Following Darryl’s Drug Bust [The Office]
Though dating Kelly Kapoor could drive any man to self-medicate, never did we think that Darryl from The Office had quite as extensive a stash as his portrayer, Craig Robinson, has been revealed to possess. According to TMZ, Robinson was busted late last month for driving under the influence, and what officers found led them to charge him with two felonies:
TMZ has learned Craig Robinson — Darryl the warehouse guy from “The Office” — was arrested June 29 for possession of a multitude of drugs, including meth and ecstasy.
Cops in Culver City, Calif. say they pulled over a vehicle for a traffic violation and found the drugs and the actor inside the car.
The L.A. County D.A. has charged Craig — who also plays a henchman in “Pineapple Express” — with possession of meth and ecstasy and being under the influence of cocaine, amphetamines and cannabinoids.
While the Pineapple Express tie-in is synergy worthy of an NBC Universal star, we’re genuinely bummed to find out this news about one of our favorite scene-stealers. Good luck getting your affairs in order, Craig — it’s a good thing Toby from HR was in Costa Rica when this happened.
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