Dance Party USA [To Do]
We all have our own unique ways to unwind after a particularly long work day. Some of you like to hit the gym to do some cardio, some of you just go home to play with your kids and others prefer smoking a bowl before a marathon session of video gaming. However, if you’re Molls, none of the above are adequately able to soothe the savage beast within. Rather, she’s got a secret passion that helps transport her to a place where the drudgery of her daily routine is the furthest thing from her mind. If you want in on her secret (or if you just wanna know what’s going on in LA tonight), simply click through and the world is yours!
We all have our own unique ways to unwind after a particularly long work day. Some of you like to hit the gym to do some cardio, some of you just go home to play with your kids and others prefer smoking a bowl before a marathon session of video gaming. However, if you’re Molls, none of the above are adequately able to soothe the savage beast within. Rather, she’s got a secret passion that helps transport her to a place where the drudgery of her daily routine is the furthest thing from her mind. If you want in on her secret (or if you just wanna know what’s going on in LA tonight), simply click through and the world is yours!· Xiu Xiu at the Echoplex.
· Rod Man at the Comedy and Magic Club.
· Measuring Your Own Grave at MOCA.
· The Accomplices at the Fountain Theater.
Returning To The Scene Of The Crime [To Do]
Earlier this week, our intrepid videographer Molls ran afoul of the law while out shooting a To Do video. And by “the law”, we really mean “the rent-a-cop who patrols the feminine products aisle at Rite-Aid.” Well, as you might expect, this got the anti-authoritarian streak that courses through Molly’s veins going. Indulge your inner rebel (as well as learn what’s going on in LA this weekend) with tonight’s installment of Defamer To Do’s. Have a great weekend!
Earlier this week, our intrepid videographer Molls FRIDAY
· The Gypsy Kings at the Greek.
· The Dan Band at Avalon.
· Vodka and Donuts at the Empty Stage Comedy Theater.
SATURDAY
· The Wildlife at GR2.
· Blow Up LA at Lot 613.
· Queens of the Stone Age at The Fonda.
SUNDAY
· Jethro Tull at the Greek.
· Bow Wow at the Wiltern.
· The Comedy of Errors at the Open Fist Theater.
Wherein We Finally Attempt to Comprehend The Jonas Brothers [Defamer Answers]
Look, we’re old. Not “old” old, but more like “the Olympics were so much better in Los Angeles” old. And definitely not “Beatlemania” old, but old enough to wonder if the Jonas Brothers phenomenon is anything like what we’ve heard about Beatlemania. We honestly don’t know — before today we’d never listened to a Jonas Brothers song, we’ve never seen them perform, we don’t even know which is which, only that the moppiest-headed one occasionally receives photos of Miley Cyrus eating her skivvies.
But this week’s seismic release of the new Jonas Brothers album A Little Bit Longer — and the ensuing tear-streaked, hair-gnawing tween bedlam (best evinced by the accompanying snapshot from the group’s recent TRL appearance) — has us taking the Jonases’ impact much more seriously. After all, today’s young pop heroes are tomorrow’s clinically wasted reality TV icons; on that basis alone their soaring stars deserve a closer look and deeper understanding — or at least a handy Defamer fact sheet for your water-cooler convenience. Everything you need to know is after the jump.
I. KNOW YOUR JONASES
(Then there’s “bonus Jonas” Frankie (a/k/a “Frank the Tank”), who, at 7 years old, is too young for non-Chosen Blob editorial consideration at Defamer.)
Legend has it Nick was discovered singing at a New Jersey barbershop around the time of his last haircut at age 6. Broadway followed for him and Joe; Nick was signed to Columbia shortly thereafter, at which time they were conveniently bundled for their 2006 debut It’s About Time.
II. KNOW THEIR CANON
This week’s A Little Bit Longer is the Jonas Brothers’ third full-length album and their first to revive a discarded Spinal Tap title. Their preceding albums — It’s About Time (2006) and The Jonas Brothers (2007) — each broke the Billboard Top 100, with the latter album peaking at #5. The new one is expected to debut at #1. The brothers have made their biggest impact in the cutthroat genre of Abbreviated Gerund Rock, with the hits “Burnin’ Up” and “Pushin’ Me Away” each receiving unprecedented download action at iTunes.
Their film and TV work is equally impressive, with their guest-starring breakthrough in Cyrus’s Best of Both Worlds concert film opening the door for their monumental musical Camp Rock — the soundtrack to which was another smash. The movies cemented them alongside Cyrus among the Disney Channel’s most influential draws. (Nick and Miley’s eventual romance was its own drama, but we’ll get to that.) A Camp Rock sequel is forthcoming, as are a reality show and concert film based on their current, sold-out, hormonally corrosive concert tour.
III. KNOW THEIR ACCOLADES
The Jonases won six Teen Choice Awards in 2007, including “Choice Summer Song” for “Burnin’ Up” and a three-way tie for “Choice Hottie.” Critics are falling in line as well, with Rolling Stone offering A Little Bit Longer four stars and esteemed MySpace critic IHeartDjDanger persuasively adding:
“THE WHOLE CD IS AMAZING THOUGH!! after I listened to it, I was like “NOW I’M SPEECHLESS OVER THE EDGE I’M JUST BREATHELESS!” AHH, i ALSO LOVE sHELF!! oooh, and I love the second verse of can’t have you sooooooooo much!!! it is so awesome when you repeat the lines all eachoey!!
IV. KNOW THEIR STYLE
Upmarket, overproduced boy-pop cheese, with lots of collars, blazers, denim, ties, fruity scarves, hair products, pitchy vocals and derivative culture riffs, a potent mash perhaps best depicted in this excerpt of their video for “Burnin’ Up”:
V. KNOW THEIR LOVE LIVES
Love lives? What love lives? The super-wholesome Jonas Brothers, evangelical sons of an ex-pastor, wear purity rings and have vowed abstinence until marriage. Nevertheless, Nick is very publicly the poster child for Disney Channel incest, having had successive relationships with Cyrus and now (allegedly!) Selena Gomez. OMG they are so cuuuuute! Alas, Miley begs to differ. Meanwhile, Joe has been linked to country singer Taylor Swift, with one gossip blogger saying the two retreated to his hotel room last night for Joe’s birthday. Ewww gross. Kevin is unofficially connected to slightly downmarket actress/model/vocalist Zoe Myers.
You, too, can date a Jonas by following a few easy steps enumerated by the brothers this week in the estrogen maelstrom that was TRL:
VI. KNOW THEIR EMPIRE
The Jonases reportedly earned a measly $12 million in 2007 — a number certain to spike by the end of 2008 after another ongoing, sold-out tour. They recently closed on a $2.8 million mansion in a gated enclave outside Dallas, with each brother’s wardrobe getting its own bedroom and where the boys are safer than ever from temptations such as girls, drugs and actual rock music.
VII. KNOW YOUR FUN FACTS
· Nick Jonas is a Type-1 diabetic.
· Ali Lohan chose an East Hampton, N.Y., Jonas Bros. concert last weekend to unveil her fantastic new breasts.
· Joe Jonas is literally known to prize his hair above all other worldly possessions.
· Kevin Jonas’s favorite food is sushi.
· Nick claims to have written the brothers’ hit “S.O.S.” in 10 minutes.
· At any given time, as many as 20 people at once are watching “Burnin’ Up” on YouTube.
· Their bodyguard Big Rob keeps a blog of his Jonas-protecting exploits and is the guest rapper heard on “Burnin’ Up.”
Again, we’re new to this, so please help us help you by filling in any noteworthy blanks below. The world needs to know.
Ernest Borgnine Has Discovered the Fountain of Youth, and It Is Masturbation [Careless Whispers]
91-year-old actor Ernest Borgnine doesn’t look a day over 86, and so it was that when the Golden Globe-brandisher stopped by Fox & Friends to chat about his new book, the hosts demanded to know how he could still look so darned good. Botox? Volumizing? A deal with the devil (or ICM)? None of the above, replied the actor, instead leaning in to whisper, “I masturbate a lot.” Sadly, Borgie didn’t appear to realize that his mic would still pick up those whispers and beam the Oscar winner’s chicken-jerking secret across the globe. Still, we can’t wait for the day that masturbation becomes an age-defying staple of salons everywhere (though we’ve heard there’s some “health spas” in West Hollywood where it’s already common practice). [Fox News]
91-year-old actor Ernest Borgnine doesn’t look a day over 86, and so it was that when the
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